Why do you have a cell phone? i'd really like you to take a minute and think about this.

So you can call anyone, anytime you want to? You do realize how ridiculous that sounds, right? Are you afraid no one can contact you? email, snail mail, facebook, myspace, instagram, twitter, google+, linkedin, reddit, irc, etc. it's 2012, there are 16 million ways for anyone to get ahold of you at anytime, almost anywhere. what if you're in hanksville, UT rock climbing at the horn (the last mountain range in the continental USA to be mapped), and the transmission in your van decides to shit itself!? to be honest, you could use this opportunity; don't miss out on it. this is adventure slapping you in the chubby face. you're not gonna die; it's May. Suffer a little for once in your pathetic life. Walk 10 miles and hitch a ride to lake powell. get naked and go for a swim. if you can't walk 10 miles, or you don't have enough water or something, it's your fate to die. or if you don't believe in fate, you're just too weak and you deserve it.

in this world it's almost impossible to disappear. don't kid yourself. they got detailed satellite imagery of every inch of the earth, from every minute for the last 10 years, stored in some gigantic database, somewhere, accessible by anyone. the age of discovery is drawing to a somber end. every one of your friends knew you were going to the horn this weekend. they saw the instagram pic of you at 80 mph headed north in your van. ironically ugly sunglasses, dog in lap, hashtags #thehorn #vanlife #henrymountains. they got the 6 txts begging them to come with you. the Facebook status updates.. god you're pathetic.

you don't need that fucking cancerous hunk of metal. it's emitting microwaves AND radio waves, 2 inches from your testicles, 12 hours a day. those assholes charge you a hundred dollars a month for testicular cancer. those assholes! they make you sign a two year contract just to own the god damn phone, and then renew the contract anytime you want a new phone. they charge insane amounts for things like "overage", "tethering", and "daytime minutes." they're not you're friends. they don't have your best interest at heart like i do. i fired those assholes 4 months ago, and i can tell you life went on; there is hope. i don't live in fear of my van's transmission shitting itself. i can still walk 10 miles, or i can borrow a phone from almost anyone. i can still make and receive phone calls with my old phone number anytime i have wifi, which is almost anywhere. i can still text message my friends to guilt them into going with me to Hanksville, UT. yes friends, even instagram.

why are you worried about being online, when it's so hard to be offline? do you realize you don't have to be online ALL the time? when you were a kid you didn't get a phone call unless you were home. that was where your phone was. it wasn't that bad. actually it was exciting. you planned for phone calls. "i'll be home after 2, you can call me then." you're still capable of this. those assholes have tricked you into thinking you need them, and they're terrified you'll realize they're unnecessary and obsolete; that you don't need them. 

If you wanna learn how to keep your old number and fire your cell phone prodiver, read this.